by Michael B. Hock and Hamlet T. Wondercat
The air is cooling down. The pools are closed. Most importantly, the kids are back in school and you, as parents, don’t have to worry about sending them somewhere for a few hours so they don’t complain about being bored. Gone are the carefree, Will Smith-esque days of action movies, it’s time for Hollywood to get down to business. That business being Fall Movie Season, also known as Prestige Season, because this is when Hollywood starts to showcase the movies they want you all to remember when awards are going on. It’s the season we start to focus on much more serious fair.
But what movies are you going to see now that you’re busy with work, school, or just wanting to avoid raking leaves? That’s where Hamlet T. Wondercat and his guide to the Prestige Movie Season comes in. However, rather than his patented Antic-meow-tion meter, Hamlet is going to bring out his Tom Hanks approved: Whisker Meter… will it be worth of the official Whisker Awards? Or will it be a dud, something that is best forgotten until it’s broadcast on cable some future time when we’re avoiding future chores? Who can tell? Hamlet T. Wondercat, that’s who.
So, join us, will you for our look at Prestige Movie Season!
September 9
Sully.
What it’s about. Tom Hanks is Captain “Sully” Sullenberger, who miraculously landed an airplane on the Hudson River after it was hit by some very suspicious looking Canadian Geese. We all know that Canadian Geese are generally up to no good.
Hamlet’s take. I offered to consult on how best to get rid of birds. First, you need the right kind of bread, then some mustard, and they’re delicious.
Whisker Meter. 9
The Disappointments Room.
What it’s about. Stop us if you’ve heard this one: There’s an old house, and then there’s this room inside the old house…
Hamlet’s take. Is the room good for napping?
Whisker Meter. 3
The Wild Life.
What it’s about. The Story of Robinson Caruso gets an animated update in…you know what? Even the animation from this looks like it was put together by an amateur film student the night before his final project was due.
Hamlet’s take. I object to the lack of house cats in this movie.
Whisker Meter. Do we have a number below zero?
Other People.
What it’s about. Cancer! Former Comedians! Mothers! Sons! This movie pretty much has it all in terms of hitting all the salient points when you want to make a really good Oscar-worthy dramatic movie. Also Molly Shannon.
Hamlet’s take. everything, eh….?
Whisker Meter. 8
When the Bough Breaks.
What it’s about. Remember The Hand the Rocks the Cradle? It’s pretty much The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, but with a psychopathic surrogate instead of a psychopathic nanny. Also Morris Chestnut, who is pretty awesome. Also slowed down versions of children’s song.
Hamlet’s take. Babies make people crazy. And they pull my tail.
Whisker Meter. If we’re being honest, a 2. If we talk about how much want to see it, about an 8.
September 16
Bridget Jones’ Baby.
What it’s about. The crew of the Serenity are back for another adventure. After losing Wash and Book to the Reavers and exposing the conspiracy around their creation, the crew looks for a way to avoid the the Alliance…
Sigh. I know. I just wanted to remind everyone that we’re on the third Bridget Jones, but we just got the one Serenity movie.
She’s having a baby. Who’s the father, Colin Firth or Patrick Dempsey? Mostly, who cares?
Hamlet’s take. You had me at hell no.
Whisker Meter. 1
Blair Witch.
What it’s about. The Blair Witch. Was the title not clear? For those who don’t remember, back before the internet was really big, some guys filmed a movie like it was a home movie and said they found it and it was about the Blair Witch. Now they basically did that again, but everyone is in on the joke so it better be more than just people running around the forest.
Hamlet’s take. The first one gave me motion sickness.
Whisker Meter. 5
Snowden.
What it’s about. Depending on who you ask, it’s about a guy who stole all of America’s secrets and put them online, or it’s about a traitor who stole a bunch of secrets and put them online. Either way, it’s directed by Oliver Stone, so it’s probably going to take a side, and you’re probably going to know which side it is by the end of the opening credits.
Hamlet’s take. Visit my website at thetunashortageisalie.org
Whisker Meter. 10
September 23
The Magnificent Seven.
What it’s about. It’s a reboot of the reboot of the adaption of the Seven Samurai. It won’t be the last. But this one also has Chris Pratt and Denzel Washington, so it probably should have come out a month ago instead of Independence Day: Resurgence.
Hamlet’s take. The only Washington who won’t let us down this fall is Denzel.
Whisker Meter. 10
The Queen of Katwe.
What it’s about. Lupita Nyong’o stars in the true story of a chess champion from a slum in Uganda. Who probably learns about life through chess or something. Think Finding Bobby Fischer without the conspiracy stuff. I’m sure it’s going to be very uplifting.
Hamlet’s take. Chess is my favorite because I can take a nap between moves. And on the board.
Whisker Meter. 9
My Blind Brother.
What it’s about. Nick Kroll, fresh off his supporting role as “Douche” in Sausage Party, is jealous of his blind brother. Pretty much in the title there, isn’t it?
Hamlet’s take. Sausage?
Whisker Meter. 8
Goat.
What it’s about. Nick Jonas (really?) stars as a young man who’s masculinity is questioned, so he joins a fraternity. Because it’s a drama and not a comedy, it will probably end well and not be difficult to watch at all.
Hamlet’s take. Probably not.
Whisker Meter. 8
Storks.
What it’s about. When a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…
Hamlet’s take. Storks are just as good as Canadian Geese, but you have to use Dijon.
Whisker Meter. 8
September 30
Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children.
What it’s about. Based on the young adult novel, it follows a home for children with peculiar powers. Because it used the word “peculiar” in the title, it was contractually obligated to be directed by Tim Burton, who gave the leading role of Helena Bonham Carter to Eva Green this time out. Samuel L. Jackson also shows up to do Samuel L. Jackson things, but with a Tim Burton Twist.
Hamlet’s take. I hear one of the ladies turns into a bird. Send her to me.
Whisker Meter. 7
Masterminds.
What it’s about. A couple years ago, Jared Hess filmed a movie with a bunch of comedians that was supposed to come out in the summer of 2014. It’s now being shown the light of day, now with more Kate McKinnon in the trailers.
Hamlet’s take. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz….
Whisker Meter. 4
Deepwater Horizon.
What it’s about. Based on a True Story of Deepwater Horizon, but with more Mark Wahlberg.
Hamlet’s take. Water? I’ll pass.
Whisker Meter. 8
American Honey.
What it’s about. A bunch of kids run wild across the country while selling magazine subscriptions to fuel their parties in a story that will no doubt spawn a billion “millenials amirite?” think pieces when it comes out at the end of the mont.
Hamlet’s take. Looks gritty. So gritty you can almost taste the grit on the screen. mmmm… grit.
Whisker Meter. 9
October 7
The Birth of a Nation.
What it’s about. A provocative look at the life of Nat Turner, who started a rebellion of slaves almost 150 years ago. The film itself has already won acclaim, and it is said to be extremely graphic and difficult to watch. Everything Academy Voters love.
Hamlet’s take. (Not going to do a lot of comedy on this one, folks.)
Whisker Meter. 10
Middle School: the Worst Years of My Life.
What it’s about. You know Diary of a Wimpy kid? All of the actors are too old to be in that. Enjoy this instead.
Hamlet’s take. Middle School for me, was pretty cool. By Middle School, I assume you mean the middle of the day when I nap.
Whisker Meter. 4
The Girl on the Train.
What it’s about. Not to be confused with Gone Girl, but for some reason everyone compares it to Gone Girl. No idea why. Based on the twisty novel, it involves murder, a girl on a train, and Emily Blunt.
Hamlet’s take. You really aren’t going to let me make a quip about The Birth of a Nation? Fine. I hate trains. You happy now?
Whisker Meter. 8
October 14
The Accountant.
What it’s about. Ben Affleck trades his Batman Cowl for a pocket protector in this tale of an action accountant. Those looking to get into finance: It’s probably not like this. Anna Kendrick is in it, presumably so Ben Affleck has someone to explain his accounting powers to. (and the audience.)
Hamlet’s take. Cats love Anna Kendrick
Whisker Meter. 9
Kevin Hart: Now What?
What it’s about. Kevin Hart? I guess?
Hamlet’s take. He was funny in that one movie.
Whisker Meter. 4
October 21
Jack Reacher: Never Go Back
What it’s about. Jack Reacher is back, presumably to do Jack Reacher things. Also, he probably will go back at one point. I bet there’s running!
Hamlet’s take. So… basically ever Tom Cruise Move?
Whisker Meter. 5
Ouija: Origin of Evil
What it’s about. How did the Ouija Board get to be an evil instrument of death like in the first movie? Some bad CGI and a creepy little girl if the previews for this are to be believed.
Hamlet’s take. Nope.
Whisker Meter. 4
31.
What it’s about. Rob Zombie directs… you know what, that’s all you need. Rob Zombie directs. You need to know nothing else about it other than that. After those three words you’re going to see it, or you’re going to walk away.
Hamlet’s take. Rob Zombie will direct my life story.
Whisker Meter 8.
Boo! A Madea Halloween.
What it’s about. The crew of the Serenity is back… I already made this joke? Fine. It’s about Tyler Perry’s Madea who will dispense life advice and borderline child abuse, this time while something scary happens. Well… scarier than their being like, 20 of these movies.
Hamlet’s take. She seems like a sweet old lady…
Whisker Meter. 1
Keeping Up with the Joneses.
What it’s about. Like your Zach Galifianakis three years older and with shorter hair? Here’s your chance: he plays a bored suburbanite learns that his neighbors are secretly spies. Hilarity is sure to ensue.
Hamlet’s take. Isn’t Wonder Woman in this?
Whisker Meter. 10
October 28
Inferno.
What it’s about. Dan Brown’s latest fill in the blank worksheet book becomes his latest movie, starring a post-Sully Tom Hanks as Robert Langdon who is going to solve the mystery of why everyone is suddenly after this old artifact. He may use skills that only he knows about.
Hamlet’s take. Why go to the theater when I can watch the same thing in the previous two movies?
Whisker Meter. 2
Rings.
What it’s about. Remember videotapes? There’s a cursed one. I’m sure someone is going to load it to Youtube, then it will go viral, then that poor kid stuck in the well won’t know what to do with herself.
Hamlet’s take. I hate wells.
Whisker Meter. 2
November 4
Doctor Strange.
What it’s about. The Doctor is in! Hahhahahahahahaha…. *ahem* Benedict Cumberbatch becomes the latest Sherlock Holmes actor to take on the role of a Marvel Superhero, this time as Doctor Strange, a keeper of the more magical aspects of the Marvel Universe. How will this one disrespect the shared Marvel Universe? How much of the post-credits scene will have to do with the upcoming Avengers: Infinity War? Will it be none? I bet it will be none.
Hamlet’s take. It’s a Marvel movie starring Benedict Cumberbatch. You’re seeing it. You’ve stopped reading at this point.
Whisker Meter. 10 (I joke, but I’m looking forward to this movie.)
Trolls.
What it’s about. Not the online variety that try to kill everything you love, rather those things with the spiky hair that you loved so much but really looked kind of creepy. Justin Timberlake is in it, as is, so is Anna Kendrick. Probably so Ben Affleck as to explain accountant things to her (and the audience.)
Hamlet’s take. Cats still love Anna Kendrick.
Whisker Meter. 3
Loving.
What it’s about. Remember when it was really important that we not let two people of the different races marry for whatever reason? And there were actual trials to see how much of the right kind of blood so you can marry. All of that looks stupid now, but there was a time when the police actually enforced that. And they made a movie about it, and the court case that made interracial marriage legal.
Hamlet’s take. All people taste the same to me.
Whisker Meter. 9
Hacksaw Ridge.
What it’s about. Andrew Garfield swings (get it… because he was Spider-man) into the real life role of Desmond Doss, an Army Medic during World War 2 who refused to fire a gun. Mel Gibson directs, so expect a lot of unnecessary blood and suffering while we focus on the good things Desmond did.
Hamlet’s take. Yes. All humans should put down their weapons. Embrace their cat overlords.
Whisker Meter. 9
November 11
Almost Christmas.
What it’s about. Danny Glover is the patriarch of a giant family who all get together just before Christmas. You might say…. Almost before Christmas. For those interested, he’s already used the “I’m too old for this” line in the early trailers, so that should tell you what you need to know.
Hamlet’s take. Too many people! That’s how tails get stepped on.
Whisker Meter. 4
Billy Lynn’s Long Halftime Walk.
What it’s about. Ang Lee directs this small film about a Hulk Sized walk (ok, I’ll stop now) of veteran of the second Iraq war Billy Lynn, who is honored during a halftime show. Flashbacks will show what really happened during his time there. It’s also apparently shot in the High-Definition Frame Rate like the Hobbit, so it’s almost like you’re there live.
Hamlet’s take. Hulk. I get it.
Whisker Meter. 9
Arrival.
What it’s about. Alien spaceships start to arrive, and a linguist must figure out what they’re saying and hopefully it’s not “to serve man.” Also there’s some kind of time element associated with this, because why not?
Hamlet’s take. Mmmmmm… to serve man…
Whisker Meter. 7
November 18
Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them.
What it’s about. Remember Harry Potter? Hey… hey… everyone? Remember Harry Potter? We made 8 Harry Potter movies out of 7 books. Remember that? Hey. Hey! Remember Harry Potter?
Hamlet’s take. I’m looking forward to the tale of Newt Scamander and his quest in America for Fantastic Beasts.
Whisker Meter. 9
The Edge of Seventeen.
What it’s about. A coming of age tale about a 17 year old girl who’s best friend starts up a relationship with her brother. Woody Harrelson is in it, so it’s got that going for it. Maybe some darker moments.
Hamlet’s take. I do like some Woody Harrelson. But let’s talk about that to serve man thing again.
Whisker Meter. 8
November 23
Moana.
What it’s about. It’s Disney! It’s got the Rock playing a demigod! And Lin-Manuel Miranda! Really what else do you need! A young princess teams up with a demigod named Maui. Presumably there will be no blue alien, and they’ll sing songs by Miranda not about any Vice Presidents.
Hamlet’s take. I’d like to go to Hawaii. I hear it has warm beaches for napping, that turn cool at night so they’re perfect for napping.
Whisker Meter. 10
Bad Santa 2.
What it’s about. Because everything needs a sequel now, we’re getting the further adventures of the Bad Santa, with all your favorites except Lauren Graham returning. She’ll be doing the revival of Gilmore Girls. Please don’t destroy a film I love, sequel.
Hamlet’s take. I was born on the naughty list.
Whisker Meter. Realistically, I think about a 5 but I’m praying for at least a 7.
Allied.
What it’s about. The Second Second World War movie we have on the list, Brad Pitt Ocean’s 11 his way (get it.. because he was ok I’ll really stop now). Brad Pitt is an American Spy who falls in love with a French Spy. Hilarity probably won’t ensure. More like please give us an Oscar will ensue.
Hamlet’s Take. Fun fact: Marion Cotillard is in my favorite movie Inception, because it’s about sleep.
Whisker Meter. 9
Rules Don’t Apply.
What it’s about. Howard Hughes! A young Starlet! That’s all I got! I don’t know much about this movie!
Hamlet’s take. Howard Hughes… he hated germs, didn’t he?
Whisker Meter. 9
December 2
La La Land.
What it’s about. Turns out that the trailer you all enjoyed is actually a movie starring Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone who will be signing and dancing for a full length adventure. Or musical. Look just go watch the trailer.
Hamlet’s take. Gotta SING! But not the silly animated movie. Have we not made fun of that yet?
Whisker Meter. 10
Keep Watching.
What it’s about. You know what should make perfect sense? A found footage horror movie about a family forced to play a deadly game after they’re taken prisoner dropped in the middle of December. I’m sure the movie isn’t being dumped with no hope of recouping expenses. Advice: Go see it opening weekend because it won’t be around for long.
Hamlet’s take. Wow, that was harsh. Let’s save the snark for Bad Movie Season.
Whisker Meter. 2
Kidnap.
What it’s about. Halle Berry is a mother who will do whatever it takes to save her young son son who has been… kidnapped.
Hamlet’s take. She’s like a mama lion. Grrrr—ror.
Whisker Meter. 5
December 9
Office Christmas Party.
What it’s about. Hey, look. It’s that funny guy or girl you like. They’re in this. Jason Bateman, Kate McKinnon, and a lot of other people star in a movie about an Office Christmas Party. First order of comedy: Someone gets drunk. I’m sure of it.
Hamlet’s take. It’s that time again to drop a lot of turkey on the floor for your cats.
Whisker meter. 7
Miss Sloane.
What it’s about. Jessica Chastain takes a break from being the supporting player in every other movie made and takes the lead as a lobbyist who fights for tougher background checks for handguns. I’m sure it will enter theaters without much pushback.
Hamlet’s take. I’m not touching this one.
Whisker Meter. 8
The Bye Bye Man.
What it’s about. Man another horror movie in December? So, a supernatural killer makes you do all of the killing. It’s already been pushed back from Summer Movie Season so… make of that once again what you will.
Hamlet’s take. Did you mention the last one at least had Bella Thorne but this one doesn’t really have anyone you want to see in it?
Whisker Meter. 3
December 16
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story.
What it’s about. A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, a farm kid named Luke used the Force and blew up something called a “Death Star”. But in order to do that, they needed plans for this Death Star. How did they get said plans? Here’s your answer! Here’s hoping they learned the prequel lesson of “backstory” vs. “compelling history we don’t know about yet.”
Hamlet’s take. I’m sure they’ll be all like… pew pew! Boom! fewwwwwwwww….boom!
Whisker Meter. 10
The Founder.
What it’s about. Held over from Summer, it’s about the founder of McDonalds. You’ll also know this as “Oh, Star Wars is sold out? Then what time is The Founder Playing?” Michael Keaton stars. I already wrote about it once, I don’t know what else I’m supposed to say. Michael Keaton was pretty good in Birdman, wasn’t he?
Hamlet’s take. I loved Birdman.
Whisker Meter. 10
Collateral Beauty.
What it’s about. Will Smith stars as a New York ad executive who writes mysterious letters and gets mysterious replies from the personification of different entities. Or he’s crazy. I don’t know the trailer was vague. You’ll know this one as “Star Wars is sold out and The Founder doesn’t play for another hour? Give me a ticket to Collateral Beauty.” Only time will tell if critics are as baffled as to why people will go see this movie starring Will Smith as they were with Suicide Squad.
Hamlet’s take. The trailer was pretty vague.
Whisker Meter. 10… or is it?
December 21
Assassin’s Creed.
What it’s about. Michael Fassbender plays a man on death row, kidnapped and forced to relive his ancestor’s past through the use of a machine as a shady corporation looks for some thing that can only be found by plugging Michael Fassbender into this machine. All while Kanye West music sings. It’s based on a video game, so it doesn’t have to make sense, it just has to be better than Doom. Or Super Mario Brothers. you know what those are bad examples.
Hamlet’s take. I just hope it’s better than Pixels.
Whisker Meter. 10
Sing.
What it’s about. Here we go. Kids are out of school for break, so they need a movie to see. Thankfully, there’s a movie called Sing coming out which stars a bunch of famous people as animals who are going to sing. Basically Zootopia with singing instead of a dark racist plot.
Hamlet’s take. I can sing. You just don’t let me.
Whisker Meter. 3
Passengers.
What it’s about. Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence…. you know what. You’ve stopped reading right there, and you’ve decided you’re seeing this movie, because it’s about Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence doing anything. I could type anything here. Blah, blah, blah, they’re on a spaceship and they fall in love or something.
Hamlet’s take. Meow meow meow meow.
Whisker Meter. Well, I’m obviously excited for it. It’s Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence.
The Space Between Us.
What it’s about. Held over from Summer, it’s basically The Fault in Our Stars but with actual stars. As in space stars. Boy born in space. Falls in love with a girl from Earth. Will they ever meet? Probably Will it be tragic? Again… probably. Will I cry? Shut up. You’re crying. Popcorn got in my eye.
Hamlet’s take. Soon all humans will be removed from the planet.
Whisker Meter. 8
A Monster Calls.
What it’s about. Think the BFG, but if the BFG were instead not friendly at all, and was Groot. Does that make sense? Liam Neeson lends his best gruff voice to a story of a kid that needs a friend, and so he imagines himself up a friend that is a giant tree.
Hamlet’s take. No “special set of skills” joke? You’re getting soft.
Whisker Meter. 7
December 25
Why Him?
What it’s about. Bryan Cranston and James Franco star… who needs to know more? Hilarity ensues! TO THE MULTIPLEX!
Hamlet’s take. Hilarity probably ensues.
Whisker Meter. 10
Make sure you tune in for commentary, reviews, and all around wackiness on Bad Shakespeare as we look at… Prestige Movie Season!
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