by Michael B. Hock

It’s getting hot out.

That’s what happens in summer. And for some reason this year, parts of January and about a week in the middle of March. It’s been a weird weather year. But that’s neither here nor there. This is about it getting hot now, in summer, which means only one thing…

Summer Movie Season, y’all!

As long-time readers of the old Bad Shakespeare Blog know: I love Summer Movie Season. The movies get louder and more expensive. They dispense with that whole “does it have to be really good to win awards” thing, and movies just go back to being fun. This year we have a lot to look forward to: we have baby Groots, Wonderful women, apes trying to take over the planet, aliens, kings, remakes, another Pirates of the Caribbean movie for some reason, Michael Keaton taking on the role of a super heroic bird man, and Michael Bay is going to trick us all into thinking that the next Transformers is going to be good.

But… with so many movies coming to theaters, how can you decide? Fortunately, Hamlet T. Wondercat and his patented Antici-Meow-tion Meter is here to help you navigate your way through the season, all the way through Labor Day!
May.

Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2What it’s about. The Guardians are back, this time time to take on an even bigger threat to the galaxy, because that’s how sequels work. Also, Kurt Russell as Peter Quill’s father, and Sylvester Stallone, finally giving us that Tango and Cash reunion we’ve all wanted.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 
The WallWhat it’s about. Unfortunately, an Iraqi Sniper CAN see John Cena, and shoots him, while his buddy played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson hides behind a crumbling wall. Seems like a small time war movie that might be pretty good.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

 

Snatched

What it’s about. Goldie Hawn and Amy Schumer… star… get it… snatched is slang for being kidnapped, but it’s also slang for female anatomy? Get it? *wipes away tear*

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

 

King Arthur: Legend of the SwordWhat it’s about. King Arthur and Excalibur, I imagine. Also there’s probably some kind of stylized camerawork when someone tells a story, since Guy Ritchie is involved. Either way, it’s probably not going to be like any kind of King Arthur story that we’ve already seen.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

 

Alien: CovenantWhat it’s about. In space, no one can hear you make endless sequels and remakes and prequels and then sequels to the remake-prequels. The trailers look pretty creepy, so hopefully we’ll be spared giant blue aliens creating life on Earth, then just teasing that the titular aliens may or may not be showing up at some point.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

 

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Long HaulWhat it’s about. With the original cast having aged out, an all new-all exciting cast shows up to bring the popular book series to life. Alicia Silverstone shows up as the mother of the family to remind all of us that had high-school crushes on her in Clueless that time is unmerciful, and we’re all going to die one day.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

Everything, Everything\What it’s about. A movie version of the young adult novel where a young woman is very allergic to everything, but love can probably save her. Sort of like Bubble Boy meets The Fault in Our Stars, if we all didn’t collectively agree to forget that Bubble Boy ever existed.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

 

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No TalesWhat it’s about. We’re really going to do this? Ok. Captain Jack Sparrow is back, this time facing off against another dead guy he managed to screw over. At some point, he’s going to have to stop screwing over supernatural creatures. Orlando Bloom might also be in it, but that’s unclear right now, but it looks like they’re going back to their old formula of having him try to hook up some young lovers. Also: Ghost Sharks.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

 

BaywatchWhat it’s about. Turns out the famous scene of women running in slow motion had dialogue! Who knew? Anyway the Rock and Zac Efron bring the TV Show to the big screen, thus proving that Hollywood will literally make a movie out of just about anything before we get a sequel to Firefly.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 
June.

Wonder WomanWhat it’s about. After Batman, Superman, Talking Raccoons, Ant-Man, and a cheap knockoff of Iron Man starring Shaquille O’Neal, they’re finally making a movie about one of the most famous female superheroes in existence. On the one hand, it looks good, incorporating a lot of the Amazonian mythos with her debut in World War 1 with some cool action sequences and actually manage to use her warrior side. On the other, it’s a DC Comics movie, led by a woman, directed by a woman, so there’s a pretty good chance that critics and bloggers have already written their negative reactions to it.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

 

Captain Underpants: The First Epic MovieWhat it’s about. Captain Underpants, I assume. The book was banned a lot, so that alone is the reason I’m going to go see it.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 
The MummyWhat it’s about. Smelling some of that sweet, sweet Avengers money, Universal has decided to put together their own Cinematic Universe, this time with movie monsters but without the connecting thread of Laurel and Hardy. First up: Tom Cruise is going to face off against a Mummy and do a better job and putting him down than Brendan Fraser did a few years ago. Regardless, Russell Crowe as Dr. Jekyll. How can we beat that?

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

Megan LeaveyWhat it’s about. A young marine bonds with her military combat dog. It’s based on a true story, but come on… a war movie about a dog? I’m already crying at the trailers.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

It Comes At NightWhat it’s about. Aliens? Monsters? Stealth Cloverfield sequel? Who knows. Some dude lives at a farm and deals with whatever it is.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 
Cars 3What it’s about. The Incredibles Family is back in… what? Really? A third one after the whole spy thing? How much Larry the Cable Guy are we getting? Nathan Fillion is in it at least as Lightning McQueen deals with what all athletes must deal with one day: not keeping up with the younger kids, and eventually getting a flat at the worst possible moment.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

Rough NightWhat it’s about. Can we remake the Hangover, but with Scarlett Johansson and Kate McKinnon? Yes? Then let’s remake the Hangover, but with chicks instead of dudes. It’s nice to see so many talented comedians together, but quite frankly they had me at Kate McKinnon.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.
47 Meters DownWhat it’s about. Blake Lively is stuck on a small rock as she faces off against a Great White Shark after accidentally disturbing it’s feeding ground. Mandy Moore and Claire Holt are trapped in a cage with less than an hour of oxygen while being circled by a Great White Shark.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.
Transfomers: The Last KnightWhat it’s about. Giant robots that turn into cars, but only the cars that pay enough to be featured into the movie. Anthony Hopkins narrates, and we’re all temporarily mesmerized by the trailer long enough to forget how terrible the other four were.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.   (Reluctantly.)

The Big SickWhat it’s about. Kumail Nanjiani and Zoe Kazan star in a movie about a young couple that navigates their cultural differences while falling in love. I haven’t seen enough to be snarky about this one. Could be good!

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.
Despicable Me 3What it’s about. Steve Carell gets to add another wacky voice to his repertoire as Dru, Gru’s long-lost twin brother. They two get back into the villain game. I assume there will probably be come kind of references to Minions, and they’ll be EVERYWHERE again.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

 

The HouseWhat it’s about. Amy Poehler and Will Ferrell star as a couple that turns to a life of owning an illegal casino to pay for their daughter’s school. Both are pretty funny, but both can also take things a little too far from time to time. Could go either way, folks.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

Baby DriverWhat it’s about. Look, Edgar Wright is directing this. I really don’t care about literally anything after that. It could be about a guy who reads a phone book, and I promise you it’s probably going to be better than about 90% of this list, and I’m including Guardians of the Galaxy 2 on that, and I’ve already seen that movie twice.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

 

The Little HoursWhat it’s about. A young servant flees his master, and ends up in a medieval convent with a bunch of nuns, all played by hilarious women. Seriously, the red-band trailer for this looked amazing. Why am I not watching this now?

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.
July.

Spider-Man: HomecomingWhat it’s about. Our long national nightmare without a Spider-Man ended last year as Tom Holland was seamlessly integrated into Captain America: Civil War, appearing in scenes with only Tony Stark or CGI. Here we have improvement… as CGI or with Tony Stark. Anyway, Aunt May is hot for some reason and something something Birdman 2 joke as Michael Keaton plays The Vulture.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

 

A Ghost StoryWhat it’s about. So… it’s apparently a deep exploration of loss where a ghost appears as a guy under a sheet.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

War for the Planet of the ApesWhat it’s about. Do they blow it up this time? Those animals? Do they? Or do we just get more warring leading up to the eventual enslavement of humankind under the tyrannical paw of our ape overlords? The last two were good, with the last one bordering on being downright fantastic, so we won’t let the lack of James Franco from seeing this one.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

Wish UponWhat it’s about. It’s a horror movie where wishes have an ironic component. That’s pretty cool, if you think about it, because usually the sequence goes a wasted wish to prove that you’re dealing with magic, then a second wish with ironic consequences, and then a third wish to undo those consequences. Really cutting to the chase here.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

DunkirkWhat it’s about. I really, really tried to be excited about this one, but after two extremely vague trailers, I’m concerned. The pedigree is good: It’s directed by Christopher Nolan and stars Tom Hardy. Could be great, could suck.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

 

Valerian and the City of a Thousand PlanetsWhat it’s about. Snarkiness aside, I’ve been looking forward to this movie since after the first trailer and and the words “Directed by Luc Besson.” If it’s anything like The Fifth Element, it’s going to be amazing. 

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

The Emoji MovieWhat it’s about. No.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. Just no.

 

Atomic BlondeWhat it’s about. MI6! Spies! Charlize Theron! The Cold War! The first trailer is pretty much just Theron kicking ass and not taking names, so.. I’d say yeah.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

August

The Dark TowerWhat it’s about. After years of trying to bring Stephen King’s seven book mega-opus to the big screen, small screen, and whatever future technology is going to force me to buy A Knight’s Tale again, they settled for doing a sequel to the book series starring Idris Elba as the Gunslinger, and and Matthew McConaughey as the Man in Black. Early trailers show a lot of slow motion gunslinging, so… sure.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.

 

Midnight Sun
What it’s about. Not to be confused with the movie where a young woman is allergic to everything, this one stars Bella Thorne as a young woman who’s merely allergic to the light, and finds love. Will love save her? Is she really a vampire? Can illnesses NOT be cured by love?

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.
Detroit

What it’s about. Police brutality leading to more violence and riots in 1967. It’s a good thing we all moved on since then.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

Annabelle: CreationWhat it’s about. The creepy doll from Annabelle gets a gritty origin story as we finally find out how she managed to be so creepy and evil in the first movie. Also: creepy dolls don’t need gritty origin stories.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

The Glass Castle
What it’s about. Based on the memoir by Jeannette Walls, a young woman comes of age while dealing with an alcoholic father and a mother who does very little to protect her. If it’s anything like the book it won’t be an easy watch, but it will be a pretty amazing watch.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

The Nut Job 2: Nutty by Nature
What it’s about. Mostly acorn-based puns. Will Arnett is in it, thus testing the theory that he will be amazing in anything.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

Ingrid Goes WestWhat it’s about. Millennials, amirite?

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

 

The Hitman’s Bodyguard
What it’s about. The world’s best hitman hires the world’s best bodyguard. The premise alone sounds hilarious, but throw in Ryan Reynolds and Samuel L. Jackson, and you have yourself some late-summer hilarity, and probably new and creative ways for the two of them to say the world “Motherf*cker.”

Antici-Meow-tion Meter. 

PolaroidWhat it’s about. A haunted polaroid camera… you know what? This is supposed to come out in August, and it’s been pushed back like, 8 times. If it does come out, you won’t want to see it. Or you will. Either way the message is clear: Old technology is scary.

Antici-Meow-tion Meter.  
Happy Summer Moving, everyone! Check back here for reviews, new columns, new writers… more from the all new Bad Shakespeare!!