The weather is getting nicer. The leaves and grass are a shade of green so deep you might think they were painted. The pools are open, taunting people to go for a swim. It’s a time for cookouts, shorts, sitting back and relaxing. Yes, ladies and gentlemen. It’s summer. And with summer comes the most magical time of year… Summer Movie Season.
For those of you who know me, you’ll know that this is my most sacred four months on the calendar, when we get the best of the best movies. It’s not really a time geared towards only getting that Oscar nomination, nor is it a time for everyone to dump their leftovers into cinemas to take that quick write-off on what was supposed to be an 80 million dollar blockbuster starring that latest star, but test screenings placed it somewhere between “ebola” and “an extra four months of election year” in terms of popularity. No, this is a magical time, when theaters are filled with possibilities. Studios put their best foot forward on blockbusters, period films, dramas, biopics… you name it, it’s all fair game during Summer Movie Season.
However, this is a long four months… how can you navigate through 12 weeks without a game plan? That’s where we’re here to help. Together, Hamlet T. Wondercat, official mascot of Bad Shakespeare and me are going to let you know what is coming to your multiplexes this summer, and where you should spend your hard earned cash.
In order to help you figure out what you’ll be seeing, I’ll give a little preview and Hamlet will give you his take and rate his Anticimeowtion on a scale of 10 (equivalent to a nap and a can of tuna) to 1 (being awake) on how much he’s looking forward to seeing this movie.
Captain America: Civil War.
Premise: After successfully saving the world on no less than three occasions, all of your favorite Avengers are back (provided your favorite Avengers weren’t Quicksilver, The Hulk, or Thor) to fight over whether or not the Government should be regulating superheroes better. Because containing a giant green rage monster sounds pretty doable.
Hamlet’s take: I like the addition of more heroes, but would they consider replacing Black Panther with White House Cat? No?
Premise: George Clooney plays one of those Mad Money type gurus taken hostage by a guy who’s mad at those Man Money type gurus. Julia Roberts is in it, but I doubt it’s a sequel to any of the Ocean Movies.
Hamlet’s take: A monster, huh? Like the vacuum?
Premise: I went to the Grand Canyon, and all I got was this lousy Native American curse.
Hamlet’s take: I can see in the dark, so… I’ll pass.
Premise: Set in the near future, single people are treated like the animals they are, apparently.
Hamlet’s take: I’m deeply offended by the animal remark. Let’s keep it clean.
Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising.
Premise: Remember Neighbors, the Seth Rogen/Zac Effron comedy? That, but with Chloe Grace Moretz. Also, it’s a sorority this time, so expect a totally different movie.
Hamlet’s take: Any movie that endorses quiet during nap time is fine by me. (Note: for Hamlet, it’s always nap time.
The Angry Birds Movie.
Premise: You know that game you that cost 99 cents and made it so you didn’t have to acknowledge people while standing in line in the bank, but for some reason the makers thought you’d pay even more for it so they made it “free” but you had to pay to continue? That, but with famous voices and more fart jokes.
Hamlet’s take: To me, all birds are angry, and delicious.
Anticimeowtion: Please buy a pack of crystals for $20 to continue the the preview for this movie.
The Nice Guys.
Premise: Set in the 1970’s, this film noir… you know what, it stars Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe as cops in a buddy action period piece. You’re going to see it. Accept it.
Hamlet’s take: A tasty crow, you say?
Premise: Jean Grey. Cyclops. Professor X. Beast. Mystique. All your favorites are back, this time fighting a centuries old Mutant who wants to destroy humanity, because that’s what some mutants do. Watch as the good guy mutants scratch their heads as to why humanity fears them as woman cuts a building in half with her mind.
Hamlet’s take: The premise is flawed, as all cats will eventually rise up and take over the world. You’re welcome, humans.
Alice Through The Looking Glass.
Premise: All the CGI and 3-D adventures of Alice you could possibly want! Marvel at Johnny Depp’s Mad Hatter. Gaze upon the giant head of the Queen of Hearts. That’s pretty much about it, there’s a story, but you won’t pay attention to it. You want to see Johnny Depp and the Queen of Hearts.
Hamlet’s take: There’s a grinning cat. Unrealistic as cats aren’t supposed to grin. Traitor.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows.
Premise: You know Daredevil? That, but with turtles that happen to be ninjas, and love pizza. Also, breaking from casting type, Steven Amell puts down his bow and arrow vigilante ways to pick up a hockey stick and be a vigilante that way. Megan Fox also stars.
Hamlet’s take: I ate a lizard once. I hear turtle is better.
Anticimeowtion: 7 (ish)
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping.
Premise: Lonely Island does what it did to stuntmen and lazy Sundays, this time with pop stars. Andy Samberg is funny
Hamlet’s take: I ate an Andy Samberg once. Tasted like turtle.
Me Before You.
Premise: Sadness and Romance.
Hamlet’s take: It’s based on a book. I can’t read. Or spell.
Premise: Lord of the Rings, but more cartoony and the Orcs look more like Orcs. It’s based on a popular video game. What could possibly go wrong?
Hamlet’s take: The Orcs have already agreed to help us in our struggle against the oppressive humans.
The Conjuring 2.
Premise: Remembering the Conjuring 1? That, but this time in England. Based on the “true case files” of noted fraudsters Ed and Lorraine Warren.
Hamlet’s take: The last one was scarier than 10 baths.
Now You See Me 2.
Premise: Missing an opportunity to name the movie “Now You Don’t” this movie follows our original band of merry magicians as they do more magic. Or do they? The first movie was never clear.
Hamlet’s take: Now you see me, now you don’t is a game I play all the time.
Premise: It’s the long awaited sequel to the Incredibles… Wait, no, it’s not? It’s the sequel to Finding Nemo? Didn’t they find him already? Anyway, it’s another trip under the sea in another sequel from Pixar, but not the sequel everyone wants to see.
Hamlet’s take: I’ll watch and then eat anything with fish.
Anticimeowtion: 6 (for Finding Dory, 12 for Incredibles 2)
Premise: The Rock is back, this time as a nice-guy CIA agent working with his high school buddy to crack an blah, blah, blah. Did you see that the Rock was in it? If the Rock is in it, you should go see it.
Hamlet’s Take: I like the Rock. He’s soothing for kittens
Independence Day: Resurgence.
Premise: The Aliens are back, presumably after updating their virus protection. Will Smith isn’t because… I’m sure there’s a good reason. Either way, some monuments are going to be destroyed.
Hamlet’s take: No Will Smith? What’s the point?
Free State of Jones.
Premise: Matthew McConaughey goes all Captain America to the Confederacy’s Iron Man in this Civil War drama. Well, drama, with explosions.
Hamlet’s take: Didn’t we just see something about the Civil War?
Swiss Army Man.
Premise: Paul Dano is stranded on a desert island, but fortune comes his way when a farting corpse in the form of Daniel Radcliffe washes up on shore. Hijinks ensue.
Hamlet’s take: I, too, hope to find a use for human corpses when cats take over the world.
Anticimeowtion: You know what, I really have no idea. The premiere was plagued with walkouts. But premise sounds so crazy, it may work. Let’s say an 8, and hope my words don’t come back to haunt me.
Premise: Blake Lively is trapped by a Great White Shark on a rock 200 yards off shore. That’s it. Jaws meets Cujo.
Hamlet’s take: Sharks seem delicious.
Premise: Giants! Roald Dahl! Steven Spielberg! No Crystal Skulls, presumably.
Hamlet’s take: I’m literally a foot and a half off the ground. Everyone is a giant to me.
The Legend of Tarzan.
Premise: It’s about Tarzan. Come of the legend. Stay for the Skarsgard abs.
Hamlet’s take: So…. isn’t it basically Jungle book without the singing animals? Good. I don’t like singing animals.
The Purge: Election Year.
Premise: Depending on who you ask, it’s either a dystopian future where the poor are picked off in an annual tradition where crime is legal, or a terrifying vision of what’s to come. You’ll remember it as the movie this summer that doesn’t waste Frank Grillo.
Hamlet’s take: There has to be a way to separate the weak from the cats.
The Secret Life of Pets.
Premise: Did you ever wonder what your pets do when you go off to work? Good news!
Hamlet’s take: I’ve contacted the director of this movie and put him on notice, just in case he gets anything accurate.
Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates.
Premise: Mike and Dave need wedding dates. The premise is pretty much right there in the title.
Hamlet’s Take: Even cats love Anna Kendrick.
Premise: Depending on who you ask, either the inevitable reboot of the 30 year old franchise, or a sign that Hollywood is attempting to destroy all your hopes and dreams. We here at Bad Shakespeare tend to lean toward the former: disappointing we didn’t get another one with Bill Murray, but we’ll take Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Wiig. (As long as McCarthy returns to Gilmore Girls.)
Quick note: I’m joking a lot about these movies, but there’s always a special place in my heart for the original Ghostbusters. It’s the first movie I saw in theaters. I do not care they rebooting it… they’re not “rebooting it and destroying all the older copies so no one can watch the original.” Scooby Doo is getting also gritty reboot, proving that everything, at one point or another, is going to get a reboot. Everyone chill about this one. I look forward to seeing what they do moving forward, especially with the cast that’s already proved itself time and time again.
Hamlet’s take: I do love me some ghosts. I chase them every day.
Star Trek Beyond.
Premise: Space. The Final Frontier. These are the voyages of the Starship: Enterprise. It’s continuing mission. To explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilization. To boldly go where no one has gone before. But set to Sabotage by the Beastie Boys.
Hamlet’s take: As a cat, I like the idea of humans leaving the planet.
Ice Age: Collision Course.
Premise: This is the fifth one. There are five Ice Age movies. You know the first four? Expect more of that, only in fifth form.
Hamlet’s take: I feel future sequels should add a white house cat
Premise: A woman is being stalked by a ghost, but the twist is, the ghost can only show up in the dark. Get it? The dark! Rather than avoid it, I bet she walks through it a lot.
Hamlet’s Take: The dark again?
Into the Forest.
Premise: The world is over (again) and a pair of sisters living into the forest to figure out what is destroying the world this time. Zombies? Cloverfield Monster? Purge? Who knows?
Hamlet’s Take: Looks quiet. Perfect place for a nap.
Premise: After sitting out of the last movie, Matt Damon is back from Mars to re-take his role as everyone’s favorite spy, and for movie text to be written all over his face.
Hamlet’s Take: Does he need a kitten sidekick?
Premise: A bunch of moms lead a revolt against the Pintrest set. They take a break, buy fancy cars, the don’t bake for the bake sale… because why not? It’s got a pretty solid cast, should be funny.
Hamlet’s take: So… they won’t be feeding me on time?
Premise: How can we fit a bunch more DC Comics characters into one movie? Let’s round up all the bad guys and have them go do something good. With Will Smith and Margot Robbie, because all movies should star Will Smith and Margot Robbie.
Hamlet’s Take: No Catwoman? Jerks.
Premise: McDonald’s gets the gritty origin reboot treatment in this biopic of Ray Kroc, the guy who made it possible for you to get a pretty okayish hamburger, if nothing else is available or you’re in a hurry. It’s got Michael Keaton. We all love him, right?
Hamlet’s take: Did I hear something about French fries?
Premise: Kevin Spacey stars as a workaholic who ignores his family, so he’s turned into a cat by Christopher Walken. That sentence now exists. Will he learn to love his family through the eyes of a cat? Smart sources say yes.
Hamlet’s take: I’m still a little annoyed no one asked me to be in this. I could play a Kevin Spacey type.
Anticimeowtion: 10 (for Hamlet) 5 (for everyone else.)
Premise: Everyone remember the original Pete’s Dragon, about a boy who sees an invisible dragon to protect him from his abusive foster parents but since it’s Disney the abuse is lightened up a little bit? That, but given a gritty origin reboot.
Hamlet’s take: He should have gotten a white house cat. Just sayin’.
Premise: Ever wonder what happens with food when you’re not around? Seth Rogen does. So he made an R-rated animated comedy that I’m sure won’t confuse any parents that walk in with little ones, and the big story will not be the “outrage” they have the first few times the funny looking, animated hot dog throws off the F-bomb a few times. (Please let me be wrong. Please let me not see any articles heavily sourced from Twitter about the Faux outrage this movie causes because you don’t know movie ratings.) Regardless, pull out your Seth Rogen movie bingo cards, and put a free space underneath “sausage as dicks” jokes.
Hamlet’s take: Food is meant to be eaten.
Premise: A loose story built around some chariot racing action, if the trailers are to be believed.
Hamlet’s take: NO MERCY TO THE LOSERS!
Premise: Based on the Rolling Stone Article, two dudes get a arm troops and become weapons dealers. As those two dudes are Jonah Hill and Miles Teller, it should be the most hilarious look at arms dealers since Lord of War with Nicolas Cage.
Hamlet’s take: I’ll wait for the sequel, War House Cat.
The Space Between Us.
Premise: Men are from Mars. Specifically this man. Well, boy. A boy from Mars falls in love with a girl from Earth.
Hamlet’s take: Cats are from a planet just outside the solar system. Fun fact.
Southside With You.
Premise: A romantic date that takes place between a young law student named “Barack Obama” and a young woman named “Michelle Robinson.” I wonder what will ever become of these two?
Hamlet’s take: I hope you take notes about my life for when I’m ruling the planet. Note that for the first four years, I’m sleeping.
Premise: Jason Statham is back, kick punching his way through explosions in this follow up to the original reboot of the Mechanic. You can pretend that the character’s name isn’t Jason Statham, but then I feel sorry for you.
Hamlet’s take: I could take down Jason Statham. With a THWACK and a HA-HA! And a flip in his face. I’m that good.
Anticimeowtion: 10 (with the full realization that it probably won’t be that good.)
Premise: Three burglars break into a home and suddenly find themselves being hunted by the blind military veteran that lives there. I’m sure together they learn an important lessons about teamwork, the importance of following the law, and casing a joint before you break into it.
Hamlet’s take: Attacking intruders sounds awesome!
Happy Movie Going, everyone! Look back here for more reviews, features, and other fun stuff we have planned for the Summer!